


Beautifully Broken

by BlazersEtc



Category: Shadowhunters, Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Basically Jace's thoughts during 2x11 that deviate a tiny bit from canon, M/M, Pain, lots of pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-08
Updated: 2017-06-08
Packaged: 2018-11-10 21:37:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11135169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlazersEtc/pseuds/BlazersEtc
Summary: Pretty much just a slightly not canon, but canon, take on the scene from 2x11.





	Beautifully Broken

**Author's Note:**

> So I was going to work on my happy malace fic but...this happened? I apologize in advance for how jumpy it is. I got interrupted while writing this about 16 times so by the time I finished it was like 16 different fics trying to all be at harmony. That being said, enjoy!

The city below was as lively as ever, despite the late hour. Cars passed by on the streets below, their headlights giving away their movement, lights turned on and off the in skyscrapers that surrounded the Institute, giving clue to the goings-on inside, the street lights change back and forth, controlling the movement of the busy streets below, the soft noise of traffic and people on the streets below created a sort of comforting lull that Jace always found himself drawn to. Jace supposed that 'city that never sleeps' fits New York quite well, though there are times he's seen it eerily silent; Like the night he'd walked through time Square at 3am. It had been snowing then and there were only one or two mundanes on the typically busy street. The snow-dusted everything in white and though there were lights all around, there were no horns or traffic noise, and no crowded streets full of people bustling here and there. Jace had found it both beautiful and unsettling, a strange memory that seemed to stay with him even now. The memory was far from his mind however, as he watched the city from above, he welcomed the soothing noises of New York, they helped drown out the raging storm he was feeling inside. 

Jace had done a good job of forcing his emotions down to focus on the task at hand. The bombshell of finding out he had a father and a sister had only been the tip of the iceberg. He'd beat himself up over his feelings for Clary, feeling like the sickest person in existence for thinking about Clary the way he had, and when Valentine had taken him, beat him within an inch of his life only to heal him and do it again; Jace thought that maybe it was punishment, punishment for being attracted to his sister. Maybe he was doomed to forever be a slave to his demon blood; or so he thought, but the events of the past week had proven that he didn't have demon blood, far from it, and that made everything worse.

Jace had been so confident in his father's words that he grabbed the Soul Sword without any second thoughts, if he had to sacrifice himself to save everyone else he would do it; but he hadn't saved anyone, no, instead he'd helped Valentine get exactly what he wanted. He slew countless downworlders, their blood on his hands, their family and friends grieving their loved ones, all because of him, and Jace...Jace couldn't bear it. 

To love was to destroy. Jace had loved too many people, he'd been willing to give himself up for them, and he'd destroyed them in the process. 

"There you are. Magnus is downstairs and the inquisitor's council meeting will be over in an hour, we don't have much time."

Jace didn't turn around at his parabatai's voice, not wanting him to see the tears still falling down his face, eyes red from crying, though Jace had lost track of how long he'd been out here. He wanted to fix things, of course he did, he'd started this mess and he wanted to set it right, as best he could, but right now he could hardly breathe, let alone go head to head with a greater demon. When he didn't turn around Alec seemed to pick up on the distress coming through the bond because he spoke again.

"Jace, are you okay?"

Alec's voice was so genuine, soothing Jace in ways that he still couldn't understand, the bond conveying pure concern. Jace bit his lip, he could brush it off and storm down to the courtyard and act like everything was okay, he could shove everything down once more and ignore how he felt...or maybe he couldn't. Jace was so tired of fighting, of hiding everything away for those agonizing moments alone when he was able to think too much, he was so tired of trying to stay strong when he felt like he was drowning. 

Alec had always been there for Jace, there had never been a time when Jace thought he couldn't count on Alec if he really needed him, and right now, Jace needed Alec more than anything. He hated himself for needing comfort and he turned to his parabatai in frustration, not at Alec, but at himself for getting to this point, for letting Alec see him at this point, for falling so low that he could no longer control it. 

Jace was embarrassed, of course, he was, no one had ever seen him cry before, even when he'd broken his arm during a sparring session gone wrong; Jace Wayland didn't cry. Now he was fighting back a sob, his lips parted to speak but he didn't have anything to say, how could he explain everything he'd been going through with a few words? How could he explain to Alec everything he was feeling all at once? How could he make Alec understand how much he was hurting without sounding like a child?

Jace was scared, scared of what Alec would think of him, scared of how much worse the pain would get before it got better, _if_ it got better. Jace hated emotions, especially sharing them, and right now he was letting Alec see the most vulnerable side of himself. Thankfully, Jace didn't need to say anything. One quick glance from Alec, _It's okay_ , and then he was wrapped in the arms of his parabatai. The sob that slipped passed Jace's lips was quiet but no less painful than a sob loud enough to tear through a room. All the pain he'd been holding back was flowing freely as he clung on to Alec's form, soaking up comfort from his parabatai. Alec didn't tell him he knew what he was going through, he didn't lie and give Jace false reassurances, instead he simply held Jace, bringing a hand up to gently tangle in Jace's hair, something that only Alec knew would calm him, and Jace only clung tighter, shuttering breaths filling the silence as Alec let his parabatai breakdown in his arms. 

Jace was firing through emotions faster than he could keep up, an overwhelming sense of pain at everything he'd bottled up, shame for being weak enough to be crying into his parabatai's shoulder instead of going down and fighting, disappointment in letting himself be so easily tricked by Valentine, so easily _used_ and relief, that Alec wasn't judging him, that Alec knew exactly what Jace needed. 

Jace knew he loved Alec, they were parabatai after all, but it was in that moment that Jace knew that he loved Alec as more than half of his soul, he loved Alec in every way. Alec, the selfless fighter who always out others first, who worked on abilities until he was the best at them, who gave everything his all from start to finish, who had always been there when ever Jace needed him, he was the most wonderful thing in Jace's life, from the time he was a child until standing here as an adult. 

Jace sobbed again at the realization; he loved Alec Lightwood-and it was too late. It was only weeks ago that Alec had been struggling with is feelings for Jace, and Jace knew Alec was still attracted to him, boyfriend or not sexual attraction didn't just evaporate, and Jace had caught Alec sneaking a peek at his ass just that morning, but it seemed like a lifetime ago. Jace wasn't blind, he could see how happy Alec was with Magnus, how his face lit up when the Warlock walked into a room-and Jace didn't want that to be one more thing he screwed up. The Clave would never allow parabatai to be together. They'd be ripped apart and taken to different institutes or banished to die in the mundane world. It couldn't happen, so Jace didn't let it, he kept the realization to himself, a new sob escaping his lips and causing Alec to cling tighter. He was too late and life was too harsh.

Jace closed his eyes as he held tightly onto Alec, focusing on the warmth coming through their bond, soaking in the comfort from his parabatai, blocking everything else out. In a minute, he'd have to step away from Alec and go back to his typical Shadowhunter duty, in a minute Alec would go back to Magnus and Jace would have to be alone with is thoughts again, but for right now, Alec was here and he was in Alec's arms; and maybe that was worth all the pain.


End file.
